Celebrating Christmas in Japan

In the United States it is impossible not to know that Christmas season has arrived. It seems that stores and shopping malls begin advertising the Christmas shopping season earlier each year. In my neighborhood Christmas items began showing up on the shelves right after Halloween this year.

For many people Christmas is their favorite holiday. For others the chaos and the commercialism of Christmas is a major downer. For most however the overall feeling of goodwill and celebrations with family and friends make the holiday season cheerful and bright.

In Japan, Christmas only became popularly celebrated in the last few decades. It is not a religious holiday because the majority of Japanese are not Christians. However, the secular Christmas holiday traditions from the United States, such as sending and receiving Christmas presents and Christmas cards have become popular.

In Japan, Christmas is seen as a time to spread happiness with family, friends, and your significant other. One of the very cool things about Japanese Christmas is that Christmas Eve is seen as a romantic holiday for couples! Christmas Eve is often celebrated more than Christmas day, and seems more like Valentine’s day in the United States! Christmas Eve is usually a time for couples to celebrate together, exchange gifts and perhaps go out to a nice dinner together. It’s common to see couples out on Christmas Eve walking at night enjoying Christmas lights and then going to a nice dinner together.

On Christmas day it is more common to spend time with friends and family for a special Christmas dinner of--wait for it-- Kentucky Fried Chicken! Yes, Colonel Sanders is the absolute king of Christmas dinner in Japan.

Christmas day is the biggest sales day of the year for Kentucky Fried Chicken in Japan. In fact, they even take orders in advance of Christmas to help people prepare for Christmas dinner. This all came about because of a marketing campaign launched during the 1970s showing families celebrating Christmas with Kentucky Fried Chicken and exclaiming joyfully, “Kurisumasu ni wa kentakkii!” which means “Kentucky for Christmas!”

Christmas in Japan would also not be complete without a Christmas Cake. This is the traditional Christmas celebration food in Japan (sorry Colonel but the cake was there first!). It is traditionally in the shape of a yuletide log and decorated quite nicely for the season, chocolate frosting textured like bark, pine needles, holly, and frosted sprinkles or whipped cream for snow.

Christmas is not observed as a national holiday in Japan, but schools are closed on Christmas day. Although popular Christmas carols can be heard throughout many of the stores during the Christmas season, there is one classical piece that all Japanese associate with Christmas, Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony and its final movement the “Ode to Joy” is very popular and is performed throughout Japan during the end of the year.

To wish your sweetheart a Merry Christmas in Japanese is pretty easy. Japanese say, “Meri Kurismasu!” Celebrating Christmas in Japan is happy, joyful and fun. Be sure to take your special Japanese lady out for a romantic dinner on Christmas Eve, enjoy some KFC and a slice of Christmas cake.

Meri Kurismasu!

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Living Costs : Hawaii vs. Japan

Two of the world’s most expensive cities to live in are Tokyo, Japan and Honolulu, Hawaii.   Compared to other cities in the United States (with the exception of  San Francisco and Los Angeles, California, or New York City, New York) cost of living expenses in Honolulu are almost triple of what you would spend in other cities on the mainland.

The reason for these high costs are pretty simple.  There are more people who want to live in Tokyo or Honolulu than there are places for them to live.  There is no shortage of persons wanting to move to these two exciting and beautiful cities. However, there is a major shortage of places to live in each of these cities.  It comes down to the basic principle of supply and demand. Where the supply is limited but demand is high then so is the cost.

Hawaii is probably one of the most desirable locations to live in the world.  In fact, it is more than likely it is a fantasy dream wish of most Americans to be able to live on these beautiful islands.   Honolulu is by far the most expensive of the cities in state of Hawaii. With the main attraction being tourism and the major city development on the island it is a big draw for those looking to move there for the best of both worlds, that is to say, city life and island life side by side.  

The main issue with the high cost of living in Hawaii is the cost of housing.  Whether you decide to buy a property or rent, you will be paying a pretty penny.   As of 2018 the average median price to buy a single family home in Hawaii was $795,000.   The average median price of a condominium was around $410,000. After purchasing your home don’t forget to add in additional expenses for annual property taxes and homeowners association fees if you have a condominium.

Average rent in Hawaii (Oahu) will vary based on location but expect to pay around $ 1,670 for a one bedroom apartment.  A single studio apartment in Waikiki will run you around $1,400 to $1,700. If you are in need of more space an average two bedroom apartment will cost you about $2,375.

In Japan, living expenses can also be very high.  In Tokyo, rents are actually comparable to what you pay in Waikiki.  One website that calculates cost of living comparisons between cities found that Tokyo rents were actually around 8% higher than in Honolulu.  However, after balancing out the rest of the expenses between the two cities, the final analysis found Honolulu slightly more expensive. A main factor was transportation costs in which Tokyo was found to be 31 % less costly for transportation than Honolulu.  Tokyo has excellent public transportation trains, subways and buses which accounts for the lower costs. Honolulu was found only 5% more expensive than living in Tokyo.

One reason for additional savings in Tokyo is that food is relatively cheap and costs of insurance are also much less.  In Japan everyone pays into the healthcare system so the healthcare is very affordable. There is also no need for a car so there are no expenses for car insurance or car payments.  Utilities payments are also lower in Japan than in Hawaii. On average the monthly utility payment in Hawaii is around $266.00 per month for two people. In Tokyo utilities costs for two people average around $180.00.

Is the cost of living unreasonably high? Well, you need to consider what it is you are paying for.  To live in Hawaii the quality of life is what you are paying for. Wonderful weather, beautiful islands, clean water and air and some of the best beaches, mountains and natural surroundings on the planet.   For many, in the final analysis there is no price that can be put on the quality of life to be found in the beautiful islands of Hawaii.

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Christmas gift ideas for your Japanese girlfriend

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.  Christmas music is all over the radio. The neighborhood is lit up with colorful Christmas lights and holiday displays.  Turn on the flat-screen and you see cheerful commercials with holiday themes encouraging you to not only buy the perfect holiday gift but also where to buy it.

Ahhhhh, Christmas.  It is a wonderful holiday where the holiday spirit beckons us to fulfill the promise of peace on earth and goodwill toward all.  But .... then there is the commercial side of Christmas which is all about buying the perfect gift for that special someone.

In Japan, Christmas is not a national holiday.  Christmas is not recognized as a the biggest holiday of the year as it is in most of the Western world.   This is not surprising given that Christmas is a Christian holiday commemorating the birth of Christ. Japan is a secular nation, although the primary religions are Buddhism and Shinto.

That is not to say that Christmas is not celebrated in Japan.  The Christmas season is definitely on display in Japan. Any visit to the world renown Ginza shops during the holiday season will reveal window holiday displays that would be the equal to any window display on Beverly Hills famous Rodeo Drive.

Japan has definitely adopted the popular holiday of Christmas and all that it entails.  The Christmas carols, Christmas trees, Santa Claus, reindeer, snowmen, elves, and yes, gift giving.  However, here is where the holiday in Japan takes a huge turn from that in America. While in America, the gift giving is a huge part of the holiday, in Japan gift giving is still within Japanese parameters.

In America, it is often that the gift giving is so all important that finding the perfect gift is often a source of stress.  The bigger the gift the better. The more expensive it is the more it shows that you care. In Japan, gifts are given in a much more humble spirit.  There is a feeling in Japan to give a gift that is meaningful but it need not be so extravagant or expensive as to embarrass the recipient into feeling they need to give a gift of equal or greater value.

In the west we say that during Christmas it is the thought that counts and that it is the “giving” of a gift that matters most and not the “receiving” of a gift. Sadly those sayings are often given more lip service than actually practiced heartfelt in the West, in Japan it may be taken much more seriously.

So this brings us to what to buy for your Japanese girlfriend.  Must it be super expensive? Must it be a brand name? Must it be a practical gift or can it be a luxurious item like jewelry?   The best guiding principle for buying a gift for Christmas for your special lady is to first, know what she likes, and secondly, buy something that you have put some thought into.  She will appreciate your effort of buying a thoughtful gift with some meaning rather than a simply expensive, over the top gift that does not fit her personality. However, if your girlfriend is someone who really loves brand names and expensive gifts than be sure to go that route.

Although there is no perfect science to predict what is the best gift for her you should get her something that comes from your heart and reflects your understanding of her personality and will make her happy.   So for instance, if your girlfriend is into a certain hobby or has a favorite color than get something that matches those aspects of her personality that you believe she would enjoy. If she likes a certain style of clothes, handbags, or jewelry than buy her something that she would not buy for herself along those lines.  The bottom line is to show that you care and that you put some deep thought into her gift. You can’t go wrong if it comes from your heart.

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Will your Japanese girlfriend be able to work in Hawaii?

One of the concerns many couples have is whether or not their Japanese girlfriend or fiance will be able to work in Hawaii upon their arrival.   It is a valid concern of course, unless you are independently wealthy and in no need of money. Ok, we can all stop laughing now, but if you do find yourself in that position, more power to you!

In previous blogs we discussed the immigrant fiance visa process in some detail.  In this blog however we are going to address the situation that applies to your Japanese girlfriend upon her arrival and whether she will be able to work.  

Because this is not a legal advice blog, I will defer to the experts on this topic and I highly recommend that you consult an immigration attorney or check the requirements on the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) website if you want more in depth information.

With that being said, if your Japanese girlfriend or fiance is visiting on a tourist visa she will not be able to legally work during her stay.  The only way in which your fiance will be able to work in the United States is if she has obtained a work permit or if she has obtained a green card.  Even if she is here on a fiance visa she will still not be able to work until she gets a green card or is granted a work permit.

Assuming that your fiance does obtain the legal status to work in the United States (either by becoming your wife after having obtained the fiance visa and legal resident status, or by obtaining a work permit) there are many opportunities for her to work in Hawaii that would not be available on the mainland because of the large amount of Japanese tourists that visit the islands all year round.

Hawaii is still the number one vacation destination for Japanese citizens. As such, there is a demand in Hawaii for employees who are able to speak Japanese and understand Japanese customs.  Hawaii’s number one industry is tourism. The tourism industry entails all aspects of the hospitality and service industries: hotels and resorts, restaurants, tour operators, entertainment venues, and even government related tourism positions.

Many hotels and resorts employ Japanese speaking staff to provide service to Japanese customers.  This is an important position because it ensures that the clients are understood and are able to get the services they expect on vacation.   It is also an invaluable asset to a company to be able to provide information and obtain information from their Japanese clientele on what the customers like or dislike about their services in order for them to provide the best experiences possible.  Therefore, Japanese speaking employees are sought after in Hawaii.

There are also many retail outlets in Hawaii now that wish to employ a Japanese salesperson to cater to Japanese tourists.　In Waikiki, the shopping areas are not what they were 50 years ago.  All the high end shops and designer boutiques are in Waikiki. Waikiki shopping looks like Rodeo Drive with a beachfront view. It is very valuable to have Japanese staff available at these shops, and it is possible to find work here for the right person who is interested in high end fashion retail.

Restaurants in Hawaii also look for Japanese staff.   Many Japanese restaurants have many Japanese customers looking for a taste of home while away on vacation.  Having a Japanese staff at these restaurants is valuable to restaurant owners. Even some restaurants that do not specialize in Japanese food like to have a Japanese speaking staff member to assist their Japanese customers.

Therefore the answer to the question if whether or not your Japanese girlfriend may work in Hawaii, the answer is definitely, “Yes.” Just make sure she has the proper status to work, and there are going to be job opportunities available for her in Hawaii.

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4 dating spots for dinner in Hawaii

         As far as date ideas go, a dinner date has been a classic date choice for as long as can be remembered. It can be said the first date ever was a dinner date. There was once this guy Adam who took this girl Eve on a garden date to try these fantastic apples she was raving about…but seriously, dinner dates have been popular for generations for good reason. 

         First, sitting down to share food together is a pleasurable activity which engages the senses. Secondly, sharing the experience with your date places both of you in a positive mood. Thirdly, depending on where you go for dinner the atmosphere can create opportunities for conversation, fun and romance.  

         When planning your dinner date, it’s important to know what type of mood you are trying to create on your date. Is this a casual date where you are just getting to know each other and have some laughs? Or is this a special date where you want to pull out all the stops and show her a luxurious and elegant night on the town? Either way there are many options around Hawaii for whatever strikes your fancy. 

         If you are looking for an informal atmosphere for a fun and low key date, but still want to go to a place that isn’t too casual, try Basalt located in Waikiki at Dukes Lane . The restaurant has a modern contemporary look with a full bar and great menu and service. It is a relaxed venue but it’s surroundings are lively with a fun vibe without being overly touristy or loud. There are specialty food shops around the restaurant worth browsing through either before or after dinner which feature fine wines and liquor from around the world as well as italian gourmet foods in the market. 

         If you are looking for restaurant with an ocean view that is still comfortable and casual but offering a feel of a fine dining experience, try the Hula Grill at the Outrigger Waikiki Beach Resort. Ask for a table on the outdoor lanai with its incredible ocean view. If you go during sunset you will be rewarded with a spectacular pastel colored skyline while the sun is swallowed by the sea. The tiki torches and swaying palm trees all add to the romantic ambiance here. The food is wonderful and the bartenders here know how to make great cocktails.

         If you are interested in a dinner date with music, there is the world famous, Blue Note jazz club also located at the Outrigger Waikiki Beach Resort. This is the place to go if you and your date enjoy world class jazz entertainment inside a state of the art restaurant and jazz club. The venue provides dinner and drinks and the decor is very modern. With the lights turned down low, candle lit tables, and the neon bluish hue of the club
lights, the venue exudes romance. With an elegant vibe, if you want a place to dress nice and sit down in a New York style jazz supper club, this is the place for you. You will forget you are in Waikiki. 

         On the other end of the spectrum, if you and your date want to go to a live jazz venue that is more casual and laid back, go to Jazz Minds. This place is less jazz supper club and more of a real jazz joint--and i mean that in the best way! The crowd here is fun with a love for jazz. Classic jazz photographs line the brick walls. There is a full bar, tasty Japanese food menu reminiscent of classic Japanese kissaten cafes, and a full sushi bar as well. A very cool and fun place to take a date for dinner, cocktails and great live jazz. 

         If you want to take her to a restaurant that radiates class, elegance and romance, look no further than 53 by the Sea. Entering this restaurant with its palatial style decor and majestic staircase, one cannot help but be swept away by its ambiance. The table settings here are formal. The ocean views of Waikiki are stunning. They also have private dining rooms available in the upper floors if you ask in advance. This restaurant can be on the high end of price. Dress code is enforced and appropriate dinner attire is required. With a full bar (that includes fine wines and whiskey tasting flights), and with beautifully plated and masterfully prepared dishes, you and your date will have a memorable experience here.

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Does Japan celebrate Thanksgiving?

         Festivals or ceremonies giving thanks are common in many cultures around the world after the harvest season.   In the United States, the Pilgrims who immigrated to North America from England brought the English tradition of Thanksgiving with them in the 1600s.  The reason for the holiday was to give thanks to God for the blessings of a bountiful harvest and for all things.

         In North America, Thanksgiving is still a time to give thanks for all things and to be mindful of the wonderful blessings bestowed upon us the previous year.  Although the tradition dates back to the 1600s, it was not declared a national holiday until 1863 by Abraham Lincoln.  It falls during the end of the year because it traditionally was associated with the harvest.  As such, many of the foods at the Thanksgiving feast are related to a successful harvest:  corn, potatoes, sweet potatoes, string beans, cranberries, fruit pies, pumpkin.

         The celebration in America focuses on the gathering of families and friends over the Thanksgiving feast.   In Thanksgiving lore, the very first  Thanksgiving feast took place between the Pilgrims and the Native Americans who gathered and shared the seasonal harvest with one another and gave thanks for the food and for the fellowship of one another.   The sentiments behind the modern Thanksgiving holiday are still the same: gratitude for food, shelter, family and friends.   The celebration is festive, merry and focuses on a grand feast.

         The most common symbol of a traditional American Thanksgiving is a gigantic roast turkey.  Nowadays the big bird can be prepared in a number of delicious ways: deep fried, smoked, or grilled.   Surprisingly, historians believe that the first Thanksgiving between the Pilgrims and Native Americans were foods native to the New England area.  The main course of their feast did not feature turkey. More likely, they feasted on fish, shellfish, lobster, venison, and waterfowl like ducks or geese.

         In Japan, they also have a Thanksgiving celebration that actually occurs around the same time as the American Thanksgiving  and is called Labor Thanksgiving Day.   Japan’s Labor Thanksgiving Day occurs every year on November 23.   In America, Thanksgiving is always on the fourth Thursday of November rather than a specific date.  

         Kinro Kansha no Hi or Labor Thanksgiving Day is a national holiday in Japan.   The law establishing the holiday was adopted during the American occupation after World War II.  The sentiments behind the holiday are quite different from the American Thanksgiving celebration.  Whereas American Thanksgiving is a festive celebration and the kickoff to the Holiday Season, in Japan Labor Thanksgiving Day is a much more conservative affair.

         Labor Thanksgiving Day in Japan is a day for Japanese to celebrate labor and production and to give thanks to one another for their work and efforts.  The roots of the holiday lie in the ancient Shinto harvest ceremony known as niiname-sai which can be traced back to as early as 660 BC. 

         Traditionally, during the niiname-sae harvest ceremony, the labor of farm workers was celebrated and the Emperor would dedicate the successful bounty of the harvest to the gods.   After the ceremony the people would gather and sample the newly harvested foods for the first time. 

         The modern day celebration of Labor Day Thanksgiving was established in 1948 after the promulgation of the post-War constitution.  The reasons behind the holiday is to celebrate the establishment of fundamental human rights, expanded rights for workers, the hard work of laborers and to give thanks to one another for the hard work people do, and to give thanks for the fruits of those labors.

         There is no equivalent of a Thanksgiving celebration feast as in America. To celebrate many Japanese school children draw pictures or create other simple forms of art and give them to their local offices and fire departments to show their gratitude for the work they do protecting their society. 

         Although the two holidays are different, they both feature the similar main theme of gratitude, appreciation and thanks.  It is a time to be thankful for each other in both traditions.  We wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving! 

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Japanese Martial Arts in Hawaii

One of the most well known aspects of Japanese culture is are the martial arts of Japan.   From the time of the samurai era, in which feudal warfare was a way of life, samurai warriors were required to be skilled in armed and unarmed combat to defend their feudal lord or daimyo’s interests.  Samurai did not practice these combat skills as an art, but rather as matter of life or death.

Today, the Japanese martial arts have evolved from pure battlefield combat to modern day adaptations for self-defense, fitness, mental/spiritual wellness, athletic competition and meditation.   Some of the most popular Japanese martial arts include karate, judo and kendo.

Karate is actually a martial art that originated in Okinawa and was influenced by Chinese martial arts.   Karate translates to “empty hand” and utilizes hands, feet, elbows, knees, head—pretty much the whole body—as a weapon.   Karate emphasizes training in various techniques of punching, kicking, blocking and grappling to overcome your opponent. As the name implies it does not emphasize the use of weapons, but rather the weapon is the “empty hand.”  There are many styles of karate and one of the most popular styles is Shotokan karate.

Shotokan karate was introduced to Japan by the great Shotokan karate sensei Gichin Funakoshi.    Funakoshi Sensei gave public demonstrations of karate in Tokyo as early as 1917 to the ministry of education.  Karate training was later incorporated into Japan’s public school system. Karate practice is primarily characterized by linear punching and kicking techniques executed from a stable, fixed stance. Many styles of karate practiced today incorporate the forms kata originally developed by Funakoshi Sensei and his teachers. Many karate practitioners also participate in light- and no-contact competitions while some still compete in full-contact competitions with little or no protective gear.   For more information on Shotokan karate in Hawaii you can go to this website: http://www.hawaiishotokankarate.com/

Judo is another martial art with deep roots in Japanese martial culture. Judo was created from jujutsu which was a samurai warrior skill that emphasized locking, throwing, and grappling techniques to overcome an armed or unarmed opponent on the battlefield.   Jujutsu as practiced by the warrior class was not an art or sport.  It was designed to kill or maim your opponent. Judo was a modern adaptation of jujutsu created by Dr. Jigaro Kano, the father of modern Judo.   Kano Sensei developed judo as an art for self-defense, sport and physical/spiritual development.  Dropping the more warrior classification of jutsu and adding do which means “way or method” Kano Sensei named his modern version of throwing and grappling judo or the “gentle way”.    Judo emphasizes using your opponent’s strength and power against himself.  Judo techniques emphasize throws, chokes, and locks. Judo today is an international Olympic sport.   In Japan, the oldest and most prestigious training hall is the Kodokan. It was founded by Kano Sensei and still exists today and hosts visitors from all over the world to train and study. There are many places to study Judo in Hawaii.  Here is a link to a popular dojo in Hawaii for more information: https://hawaiijudoacademy.com/

Kendo is a traditional Japanese martial art, which descended from samurai swordsmanship and uses bamboo swords and protective armour. Today, it is widely practiced within Japan and many other nations across the world.  Kendo, unlike karate or judo, has its main emphasis on learning the art of Japanese swordsmanship. Using a traditional bamboo sword called a shinai and by wearing protective body armor, the practitioner of kendo can practice the art of swordsmanship against an opponent without the fear of harming one another.  In Hawaii there are various places to practice kendo. Here is a weblink to a popular kendo dojo in Hawaii: http://hawaiikendofederation.org/

Japanese martial arts teach more than just self-defense or physical fitness. Japanese martial arts help to develop a strong will and fighting spirit, self discipline and confidence.  These qualities will help you to overcome life challenges beyond mere physical encounters. If you are interested in learning about Japanese culture through martial arts you will not be disappointed.

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What to wear on your first date with a Japanese woman

You’ve met through EM Club, had some introductions over email, had some e-chats, and liked each other.  Now the time has come to meet each other in person. The all important first date. If you’ve been following this blog we’ve covered where to go so you’re ready on that end.  But what should you wear? Well, not to worry friend, we’ve got you covered.

For a first date with a Japanese woman (or any woman for that matter) you want to put your best foot forward and make a good first impression.  A good rule of thumb for a first date is to dress appropriately for the place you are going. For instance, if you are going to take her to a formal restaurant for dinner don’t show up in a t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops.  Vice-versa, if you are going to do an outdoor activity date, like hiking, don’t show up in slacks and loafers! It’s important that whatever you wear it shows that you have put some thought into this first date. You don’t have to be fashion “perfect” but your fashion choices should show her that you cared enough to look good for the first date.

Good first date apparel should always be clothes you feel comfortable in, but should also show that you are well groomed, have good fashion common sense and project the image that you want her to see of you.  Remember, you never get a second chance to make a good impression, and let’s face it, the first visual she has of you in person will be the one that she will always remember.

Let’s discuss personal grooming.  If you are overdue for a haircut then go get yourself tightened up.   Also, take a shower, shave (or trim your beard) and make sure you are cleaned up and looking good.   As for personal fragrances, don’t over do it. If you are going to wear a cologne or aftershave, keep it subtle.   In other words, don’t bathe in it! A subtle clean fragrance goes a long way. But an overpowering amount of fragrance is not pleasant.  In Japan colognes and perfumes are more attractive if they are not overpowering.

In terms of clothing choices, remember they should reflect your personality so that you are comfortable, but they should be tasteful and fit  the atmosphere. For instance, if you are a board shorts and t-shirts kind of guy, don’t go over the top with an Italian suit and tie for a dinner date.  Perhaps a nice pair of dress jeans, a clean dress shirt and a casual sport coat with some casual dress loafers would look great on you. If you are really having a hard time with fashion, the casual “preppy” look is pretty much always acceptable and easy to pull off.  A nice pair of jeans or khakis with a polo shirt or button down shirt, paired with boat shoes, loafers or some plain white leather low top tennis shoes works fine.

If you feel your personality is more unique and a creative type than by all means dress appropriate to your personality, but keep in mind, be tasteful about it.  You are going for a positive first impression. This is a first date, by analogy, it’s sort of a like dressing for a job interview (only a lot more fun). So for instance, if you were going to interview for a job at an accounting firm you would wear a business suit.  If you were going to interview for a job at a creative agency you would not dress in a conservative business style.

It’s important to remember that regardless of what you wear, keep these simple rules in mind.  Be well groomed, clean and neat. Wear clothes that fit your personality but avoid overly trendy fashions.  Better to put forward a look that matches your personality but also shows some sensibility, maturity and self-confidence.  Japanese women admire men who have a sense of respect, responsibility, and a good sense of humor. Remember to just be yourself but dress in a way that puts your best foot forward.   

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What if your family does not understand your international marriage?

Getting married expands the family for both the bride and the groom. For the bride’s family they gain a son and the groom’s side gains a daughter. This is most often a joyous life changing event for all involved.

But there is also another more unpleasant, but not altogether uncommon occurrence where one (or both sets) of parents may not be happy about your marriage. They may not like your spouse or the idea of international marriage.
How do you handle such negative feelings? First and foremost, it is important to recognize that this problem exists. If it is your parents that are telling you that they do not approve of your intent to enter an international marriage you need to ask them to explain specifically what it is they dislike about it. Listen carefully to their concerns. You obviously love your parents and they love you. There is no need for it to be an intense or hostile discussion. Just find out from them clearly what their concern is about your decision to enter into an international marriage.
One common concern many parents have when they hear that their son is entering into marriage with a woman from another country is that the woman is only getting married to him to gain American citizenship or a green card. The fear is that the foreign fiance is going to take advantage of their son and leave him as soon as she get what she wants.
Another concern parents have is that there cannot be a true relationship between two people from such different backgrounds and customs and cultures. The fear here is that eventually the two of you will not be able to become part of the greater family because your spouse is not going to be comfortable with the rest of your family’s traditions.
The common thread in both of these situations is you and your fiance. The best way to approach these matters is to honestly address them with your family and with your fiance. Have your family meet your fiance and get to know her. Explain to your family that you understand their concerns. Also, explain their concerns to your fiance so that she will understand.Sometimes this may feel hurtful to both of you to face that your family feels this way but the strength of your relationship and your ability to convey to your family that you and her are indeed strong and truly are in love will go a long way to reaching an understanding and overcoming fears.

It would be a very good idea for you to explain your family’s traditions to your spouse so that she will understand how your family interacts and how they may feel about her. In no way should you allow your family to treat your fiance with disrespect. That needs to be made very clear. Politeness and manners should always be maintained on all sides.

In time your fiance and your family may find that their fears have no foundation at all. After they see how you and your fiance are together, and how you care for one another and make each other happy they will come to accept your love for one another. It may take patience and time, but communication is the key to understanding and acceptance.
In the unfortunate event that your family just cannot or will not accept your international marriage you will need to decide if the marriage will survive such a burden. If the two of you feel strong enough that you can maintain your love despite family disapproval than that it is your decision to make. If however, it is going to be too painful for you to continue without your family support you cannot ignore this factor and must choose what is best for you, for her and your family. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help if needed from a marriage counselor who can perhaps give you both some guidance in making your decision.

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