Dating a Japanese woman

In the documentary Mifune about the life of actor Toshiro Mifune, there is an interview with actress Kaoru Yachigusa who played the love interest opposite Mifune’s character in Kurosawa’s Samurai Trilogy. When describing the great love between the characters she says of Japanese romantic style: “Love takes a different shape for Japanese. I think it is more reserved, we don’t show it outwardly so much.”

Her statement speaks volumes toward understanding the difference in romantic displays of affection between Japanese women and American men. Whereas in many cultures “PDA’s” (public displays of affection) are commonplace they are still not as common in Japan. Japanese culture still tends to be reserved in comparison to Western culture in this regard. This can be seen in daily interactions where it is still more common to bow when meeting one another than to make physical contact by shaking hands or a hug.

However, it should be recognized that today’s modern Japanese woman is very familiar with Western style romance through exposure to Hollywood cinema, television shows and music. Many Japanese women today are accustomed and comfortable with physical contact during dating, but there are also those who prefer to take things more slowly.

Many American men are often puzzled when they encounter the latter and may find that their early physical displays of affection may sometimes be met with surprised embarrassment from their Japanese romantic interest. This does not necessarily mean they are not interested in you, it just may mean they are not used to it.

In Japan, women are raised to carry themselves with modesty and restraint. However, let me make clear that each Japanese woman is an individual and it’s not my intention to reinforce the stereotypical submissive, docile, obedient Asian woman caricature. The fact is, today’s modern Japanese woman is sophisticated, intelligent, assertive, and confident. It is because of this confidence that a Japanese woman is more in control of when and how she chooses to show her affection to the special man she falls in love with.

With that being said, the approach of a Japanese woman in showing and accepting physical attention is very much a part of the trust and relationship building process. The phrase “taking things slow” is appropriate. However, as a non-Japanese male, it is best if you be yourself, after all she is interested in you and your culture otherwise she would not be dating you. If you feel that you want to be closer to her physically you should not become something that you are not.

Always treat her with respect, and express your romantic feelings at the right time. Don’t be afraid to initiate holding her hand or putting your arm around her or giving her a hug. Go with the flow, but be mindful of your surroundings and circumstances. If you feel that you may be in a place that would make her uncomfortable with these displays of affection than maybe refrain, but use your own best judgment.

How do you know if it’s the right time? That will be for you to tell. But most likely you will know because you have spent time with her and through your time spent together and your conversations you will be able to get a feel for how you feel about her and how she feels about you. If all else fails, simply ask!

As Kaoru Yachigusa said in the quote above, although love may not be shown “outwardly” as much by Japanese, the love that is felt inwardly is strong, long lasting and authentic because of the time spent on building that bond based on connection and relationship rather than mere physicality. But once the relationship is established you can be certain your love will be blissful in all aspects both emotionally and physically.

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