The zen of dating

Often when we first meet someone our imaginations instantly run wild with future relationship scenarios that end in either spectacular success or devastating failure. Other times we could be on a date and we begin to worry that the date is a failure, and we see ourselves doomed to a lonely future. It’s easy to see how we can become mentally exhausted before even going on a first date or sometimes just give up altogether.

Mindfulness is the practice of staying fully aware in the present moment and helps us not to become attached to future outcomes or past disappointments. In both of the examples above, we can see how powerful thoughts can be. Thoughts of future outcomes or past negative experiences can distract us from what is happening right here and now. We easily become restless or anxious about our relationship situation because we fixate on these thoughts rather than the reality of the present.

Meditation is a way to develop mindfulness so we can stay in the present moment and calm our minds. Through meditation practice we can gain the ability to recognize our thoughts as they arise and acknowledge them without fixating on them. By doing so we can return to the present moment while the intruding thought gently dissolves on its own.

Meditation helps us recognize that any thoughts about our future relationship status or past negative relationship experiences do not exist, they are mere thoughts. They are not the reality of what is happening in the present moment. We don’t obsess on them, we recognize them and let them go. If we can stay focused and mindful of the present moment we can confidently take the next step to move forward with a clear and calmer mind.

Staying in the present moment helps to detach ourselves from a desired future outcome. As a result we can focus our energy on our own actions and hers during the date. The saying, “focus on the process and not the product” comes to mind. Instead of becoming so obsessed with “succeeding” on our dates we fail to focus on the process of relationship building while it is happening right in front of us in the present moment.

By staying present you will recognize her smile, you will hear her laughter, and you will be able to listen and have fun conversations. You will actually be present holding her hand instead of being a million miles away in your mind. In short, you will be enjoying the date as it is and not fixated on any preconceived final outcome.

Simple daily meditation practice for as little as five to ten minutes a day can help you develop mindfulness and calm your mind. There are many resources to help you easily develop a meditation practice. There are mindfulness meditation classes, videos, books, and even smartphone applications that can help you get started. Enjoy the process of dating, stay present in the moment and have fun getting to know one another.

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