Living Japanese style or American style?

Living together in an international marriage brings wonderful opportunities for both of you to share lifestyle traditions from both of your cultures. These traditions are important to share with one another because they are lifestyle traditions that you grew up with as a child which you carried on into adulthood.

There are some things that we do everyday that we never think twice about. For example, it is typically not the style in America to take off your shoes when entering the house.  Shoes are worn outside as well as inside the house. Shoes are worn while sitting on the couch, and sometimes even while laying on top of the bed.  This would never be accepted in a Japanese style home.

In Japan, it is second nature to remove your shoes when entering your house.  Many Japanese homes have an area near the entry where you are to remove your shoes, and there is usually a place to store your shoes near the entry.   For Japanese, harmony at home is important and that includes not bringing the soil or filth of the outside into the house on the bottom of your shoes.    On a daily basis our shoes make contact with dirty streets, sidewalks, subways, public restrooms--you get the idea. It is easy to see why it makes sense to remove your shoes before entering your house.    Is this a custom you want to take on when you marry your Japanese wife? I can tell you from my own experience that I initially thought it was silly to take my shoes off everytime I came home, but it is second nature to me now.  I also believe that our house is cleaner and healthier for doing it.

Would you want to sleep on a futon or a mattress?  In America, we have a number of mattress styles and sizes to choose from.  We also have bed sets that range from lavish extravagant headboards and sizes to minimalist steel frames. In contrast futons, are simple and minimalist in nature, but don’t let that fool you, they are extremely comfortable.   In Japan there is a practical element to using a futon because many Japanese homes are smaller than American homes therefore the futon is a space saver because it can be easily stored away during the day.    If you choose to adopt a Japanese decoration theme in your home you may want to go the full futon route as well. In my own home, we opt to use a western style bed and mattress. You should choose the style that you and her prefer.

In terms of housing design or interior decorating style, the Japanese style is often simple, clean and minimalistic.   Japanese aesthetics are very much influenced by Zen and basically the concept of “less is more” is the rule of thumb. The result is a less cluttered, more open, functional and practical space that is pulled together in such a way that promotes a feeling of calm and tranquility in the home.    It is not necessary to do the entire house in a Japanese style. If your wife wants to add some Japanese style to your home it could be as simple as bringing in natural elements of bamboo, plants or a few natural hardwood furnishings.

  Will you be comfortable eating with hashi (chopsticks) or will you only want forks, knives and spoons on your kitchen table?  In my house, I grew up eating with traditional western silverware. My family ate with chopsticks only when we went out to a Chinese or Japanese restaurant.    When I married my wife, I found that it was actually much easier to eat some Japanese foods with chopsticks than with silverware. Today in our home I’m proud to say we use both chopsticks and silverware with equal frequency.

So will you choose to adopt Japanese style or American style into your life together?   My recommendation is to take from each style the things you like best and create a style that is unique to your relationship based on the best that both of your worlds have to offer.

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Your Japanese wife may want to visit Japan once a year

            
         Many Japanese wives who are happily married to their American husbands want to visit Japan at least once a year. For many Japanese wives to visit is very important because although they have made homes in the United States, their cultural and family ties to Japan are still a significant part of their life--and as her husband--they will become an important part of your life as well.

         The majority of American men have no problem with their wife keeping in touch with her Japanese roots and many enjoy going with their wives to Japan to visit and enjoy Japan together. However, some American men might find the idea of their Japanese wife visiting Japan once a year a bit worrisome. Some husbands might misunderstand why their wife wants to go back to Japan once a year and may feel that their wife is unhappy with the life they have together in America, or they might feel insecure that their wife may not return after going to Japan.

         This is a conversation that you should definitely have with your Japanese bride to be, particularly if you are against or unsure about the idea of her going to Japan once a year. There are practical concerns that should be discussed. For instance, traveling to Japan once a year can be expensive and finances may not allow it. It may be less expensive if she goes alone but if you want to accompany her and if you have children it can be quite costly. It is helpful to discuss things before marriage and not after marriage. Like most things, “where there’s a will there’s a way” and solutions can be arrived at by discussing options openly. But if you flat out do not like the idea, then it would be best to find that out prior to tying the knot. 

         For myself, when my wife and I were married we discussed our finances and set a plan for when would be the appropriate time for us to travel back to Japan. We even set aside a separate savings account just for the purpose of putting aside money to make these annual trips. I love going to Japan with her because I enjoy Japanese culture, the cities, the food and just being there. It was always a pleasure for me to spend time with her mother and with her close family and friends. I enjoy experiencing everyday life in Japan, as well as being a tourist sightseeing or relaxing at a mountain ryokan. 

         Another issue that may come up is one of trust. This is a harder issue to address than finances because it deals with how strong the emotional bond is between the two of you, your insecurities, how much you both trust and respect one another, and your emotional maturity. If early in the relationship you discuss this issue and your intimate relationship style is strongly against her visiting Japan alone--than its best that you make it clear early on because the two of you might not be a compatible match for marriage.

         If you plan on having children, you should know it is common for Japanese wives in an international marriage to take their children to Japan for the summer. It is a wonderful experience for them to learn Japanese culture, visit their relatives, and practice Japanese language. Another great benefit is that your kids can enroll in school during the summer in Japan and it is free. This is an experience that they can only have in Japan. Many international marriage kids really enjoy their time in Japanese schools because they make new friends and get to interact with kids their age. 

         If you are dating a Japanese woman and you think that she might be “the one” make sure the two of you talk about how you feel about this issue because it is important. You both should know where you stand on this before saying, “I do.”

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3 Japanese restaurants in Hawaii you should try with your Japanese girlfriend.

Japanese food has become very popular for good reason--not only does it taste great--but it offers a great variety of tastes and textures: from the raw freshness of sushi, the spiciness of curry rice, the crisp crunch of tempura, savory yakiniku, or the warm richness of tonkatsu ramen…the list of good things to eat is virtually endless.  

         Japan has a big foodie culture.  In fact, it is not possible to walk at least 10 steps in any direction in Tokyo without coming across a place to eat, and the quality of the food is always tasty whether it is at a tiny hole in the wall or a five star restaurant. It is no wonder that Japan also owns the proud title of having the highest number of Michelin starred restaurants in the world.

         Whenever my wife feels a bit homesick or nostalgic for Japan, a quick trip to a Japanese restaurant does the trick. Being able to eat at a place that has the familiar smells, tastes and sounds of home is like a quick visit back to Japan. I enjoy the experience as well because although these foods are familiar comfort foods to her, they are still new, exciting and delicious to me.

         One of the great advantages of living in Hawaii is there are excellent Japanese restaurants to choose from due to a large Japanese American community on the islands and the popularity of Hawaii as a Japanese holiday destination. There a few well known Japanese restaurants that have opened locations in Hawaii, so it really is possible to have an authentic taste of Japan in the islands.

         Here are a few restaurants in Hawaii that would be great to take her on a date or whenever the craving for Japanese food hits either one of you:

Katsumidori Sushi Tokyo

Located in Honolulu at the Prince Waikiki, Katsumidori Sushi Tokyo serves up original Japanese cuisine using seasonal ingredients with touches of local Hawaiian flavor.   Katsumidori Sushi is well known in Japan with a restaurant located in Tokyo’s Shibuya neighborhood. They offer traditional sushi set menus or you can order ala carte.  You can also order omakase, and the skilled sushi chef will select and create a selection of sushi for you that is sure to delight your tastebuds.  Fresh seafood and other ingredients are flown in directly from Japan.  Katsumidori Sushi Tokyo also offers a fine selection of sake, wine and beer. 

Tenkaippin Ramen

If you and her are in the mood for ramen then definitely check out Tenkaippin Ramen.   This ramen chain is also from Tokyo and has a location in Honolulu. My first time eating their ramen was actually in the Shinagawa neighborhood of Tokyo.  There are several ramen here to choose from. If you prefer a thicker Tokyo style pork bone broth go with the kotteri ramen.  If you like your ramen spicy they also offer a spicy tan tan ramen. There are other selections such as a miso ramen or a chicken broth ramen. They serve terrific gyoza as well.     

           Waikiki Yokocho

         If you can’t decide what you want to eat or if you feel like eating one thing and she wants something else, then Hawaii has the place for you: Waikiki Yokocho. Waikiki Yokocho is a Japanese gourmet “food alley” which offers the Japanese food alley experience right in Honolulu.    You can pick and choose how you want to eat your way through the tasty options here.  There are fifteen Japanese restaurants here to choose from.   The concept is based on the yokochos that are to be found all over Japan. Yokochos in Japan are literally alleys full of small restaurant shops that you can walk through.  My first experience of yokocho in Japan was like a kid in a candy store.  The sights and smells of a yokocho in Japan is a delightful one of a kind of experience. Many of the yokochos in Japan have been in those same locations for a hundred years or more.   If she is feeling a little homesick for a taste of home, take her to Waikiki Yokocho and she will cheer up in no time.  

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What is Yukata and Suteteko?

Summer in Japan can sometimes be unbearable. My very first visit to Japan was in the month of August and although I had a wonderful time, I will always remember the heat was like nothing I have ever experienced--and I have lived in tropical climates before--but that first summer in Tokyo was a new level of hot and sticky!

August is often the hottest month in Japan with the average temperature being around 79 degrees which on paper does not seem that hot. However, 79 degrees coupled with Japan’s summer humidity makes 79 degrees feel more like 100 degrees or more.

Japanese have devised many ways to stay cool during the summer over the centuries. Foods like cold soba noodles, cold tofu and shaved ice all help to beat the heat. Drinks such as cold iced matcha tea or cold barley tea also help to keep things cool.

In addition to staying cool by eating certain foods, the Japanese also have learned to dress using cooler fabrics and styles during the hotter summer months. Two of the more popular clothing choices during the summer are yukata and suteteko.

In a previous blog about the Obon festival it was mentioned that the traditional attire worn during Obon is yukata . The yukata is a summer kimono. It is lighter and less heavy than a regular kimono and much more comfortable to wear during the summer. Usually made of light cotton fabric, a yukata can make the summer heat and humidity much more bearable.

A standard yukata ensemble consists of a cotton undergarment (juban), yukata, obi, bare feet, sandals (geta), a foldable or fixed hand fan, and a carry bag (kinchaku). A kinchaku can be used by both men and women. It comes in handy to carry celllphones and other small personal items.

When visiting a Japanese bath or ryokan guests are provided with yukata to wear during their stay. Yukata literally means bath(ing) clothes, however their use is not limited to only after-bath wear. Yukata are a common sight in Japan during the hot summer months. Geta or wooden sandals are worn when dressed in yukata sans socks to keep your feet cooler.

During my first visit to Tokyo, I was pleasantly surprised to see men and women dressed in yukata alongside others dressed in business suits and western fashions on the crowded subway platforms and busy city streets. Needless to say, those few lucky enough to wear yukata looked much more comfortable and happy in the summer heat!

Another summer fashion in Japan is suteteko. Suteteko traditionally are the underpants worn while wearing a kimono. However, they have become modern summer wear to beat the heat and can be worn all by themselves. Both men and women wear suteteko which are longer than standard shorts usually a bit longer than knee length.

Suteteko usually have decorative patterns on them and are very comfortable. They have become so popular that the well known clothing brand Uniqlo created a whole line of suteteko and even had a suteteko bar in the Ginza district.

I remember when my wife bought me my first suteteko. I wasn’t entirely comfortable wearing them, being an American I was used to my cargo shorts and board shorts. But after a time they found their way into my summer rotation and they are in fact very comfortable and cool. So if you are looking to stay cool this summer don’t overlook yukata and suteteko if you want to diversify your summer wardrobe.

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Should you call your Japanese wife “baby” or “honey” ?

Watch any classic 1950s era American television show and you can be certain that at some point you will see the husband come home from work, walk into the house, and shout, “Honey, I’m home!”

In many cultures it is normal for spouses to address each other as Honey, Babe, Baby, Darling or Sweetheart. These affectionate names between couples are common in the United States. They are also not used only by married couples, they are also used between boyfriends and girlfriends as well.

While these endearing names may bring a couple closer together in the west, it is not that simple in Japan when it comes to how spouses address each other. Saying “honey” or “baby” is very rare among Japanese couples, but that is not to say that Japanese couples do not address each other affectionately. Japanese couples have ways to address each other lovingly, but like so many Japanese things-- it is done in a more subtle fashion.

Many Japanese couples simply use each other’s first names with the suffix of “chan” or “kun” to follow the first name. For example, Mariko- chan may be used for a woman or Masato- kun for a man. Traditionally, chan was used to address a young girl, and kun a young boy. However, when used between spouses the effect is one of deep affection for each other as husband and wife. Also, chan can also be used by a wife toward her husband as well as kun.

Some Japanese husbands and wives may address each other as anata which literally translates to “you” but when used between spouses is similar to using “honey” or “sweetheart”. Anata is usually associated with older couples and is seen by many Japanese as an old-fashioned or out of date term and it is not heard very often.

You may be thinking that this is all incredibly confusing. It may seem to you that such a simple thing like how to address your wife should not have so many choices or variables behind it. Well, not to worry.

One of the great things about being in an international marriage is that how you address each other is fully based more on the personal choices the two of you make on what to call each other rather than the social norm of Japanese married couples.

For example, in my own marriage, because I am American it was second nature to me to call my wife “honey” or “babe”. I was not familiar with the Japanese way of addressing spouses. My wife, in turn would address me with my first name followed by chan.

After a time I began using her first name followed by chan when addressing her. Eventually, I began to prefer using chan because it seemed to me that it made our relationship stand out more than the run of the mill “baby” and “honey” couples that seemed to be everywhere. For me, using “chan” now feels as comfortable as using “honey” or “baby”. Plus, I feel even more close to my wife because I feel as if this way of addressing each other is a choice we have made rather than just going along with the trend.

Similarly, my wife also occasionally uses the word “honey” with me from time to time. We regularly interchange between chan and honey quite often without even thinking about it. It is a wonderful benefit of an international marriage to have both cultures to draw from in how you wish to express your love for each other.

Whatever you and your Japanese wife decide to call one another is all up to you and her. Just be sure that whatever you decide to use whether it is chan or baby or something else that it conveys the affection, love and respect that you have for another and you will be more than fine.

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Obon celebrations in Hawaii

Obon (or Bon) is an ancient Japanese Buddhist custom where communities gather to honor and celebrate the spirits of their departed family members and ancestors. During Obon, it is believed their spirits return to celebrate side by side with the living. It is a joyous, colorful celebration filled with fun, food, music and dance.

The “Bon season” is an important part of present day culture and life in Hawaii. It was brought here by the Japanese plantation workers who immigrated to the islands in the late 19th century and is celebrated every year in Hawaii by people of all races, religions and backgrounds.

In Japan, the Obon festival lasts three days, but in Hawaii, Obon festival season lasts much longer. In Hawaii, festival season begins in June and continues through September with events usually held on the weekends throughout the islands.

Attending an Obon festival is a feast for the senses. The sounds of traditional music and Taiko drums fill the air. The delicious aroma of festival foods like yakitori skewers, noodles and sweet confections tickle your nose. Overhead rows of brightly colored paper lanterns hang on lines to guide the spirits traveling down from the heavens. Crowds of beautifully dressed dancers wearing kimono and yukata gracefully circle the impressively high tall wooden yagura stage while performing the bon odori.

The main attraction of any Obon festival is the bon odori which translates to Bon dance. This style of dance is performed only during Obon and is performed to welcome the spirits of the dead. The dancers line up in a circle around the yagura and it is believed that the ancestors join in and are dancing alongside the dancers as they perform the bon odori . It is not uncommon for some participants in the bon odori to feel a departed loved one’s presence during the dance.

The dance itself has its origins in an ancient story of one of the Buddha’s disciples, a monk named Mokuren. During deep meditation Mokuren became aware of his deceased mother’s suffering. After making offerings Mokuren was able to liberate his deceased mother from her suffering.

Mokuren was so overjoyed that his mother was free from suffering that he immediately started dancing with joy to honor his mother’s spirit and the sacrifices she made for him while she was alive. Mokuren’s dance was the firs bon odori and the dance continues to be an expression of celebrating the life and sacrifices of deceased family and loved ones.

In Hawaii, Obon festivals are held throughout the islands at local Buddhist temples honwanjis of the Jodo Shinshu Buddhist sect, some Shintoist missions, and occasionally at shopping centers. The celebrations are open to all people regardless of religious or spiritual beliefs. The celebrations are a lot of fun and everyone is welcome to participate and join the bon odori line and dance along with the other participants. One rule to keep in mind is to just keep moving along and keep pace with the rest of the dancers. Don’t worry about not knowing all the dance moves just follow along and enjoy the celebration!

The festivals usually have many arts and crafts booths for you to check out, and if you get hungry from all the dancing, there will definitely be tasty food booths for you to satisfy your hunger pangs, get recharged, and get back into the bon odori line in no time for more dancing!

Obon festival is a lot of fun and not to be missed. If you have never experienced it before you should definitely go with your Japanese girlfriend to the festival. You will absolutely have a great time and also be able to pay respects to the ancestors while celebrating life at the same time.

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