The zen of dating

Often when we first meet someone our imaginations instantly run wild with future relationship scenarios that end in either spectacular success or devastating failure. Other times we could be on a date and we begin to worry that the date is a failure, and we see ourselves doomed to a lonely future. It’s easy to see how we can become mentally exhausted before even going on a first date or sometimes just give up altogether.

Mindfulness is the practice of staying fully aware in the present moment and helps us not to become attached to future outcomes or past disappointments. In both of the examples above, we can see how powerful thoughts can be. Thoughts of future outcomes or past negative experiences can distract us from what is happening right here and now. We easily become restless or anxious about our relationship situation because we fixate on these thoughts rather than the reality of the present.

Meditation is a way to develop mindfulness so we can stay in the present moment and calm our minds. Through meditation practice we can gain the ability to recognize our thoughts as they arise and acknowledge them without fixating on them. By doing so we can return to the present moment while the intruding thought gently dissolves on its own.

Meditation helps us recognize that any thoughts about our future relationship status or past negative relationship experiences do not exist, they are mere thoughts. They are not the reality of what is happening in the present moment. We don’t obsess on them, we recognize them and let them go. If we can stay focused and mindful of the present moment we can confidently take the next step to move forward with a clear and calmer mind.

Staying in the present moment helps to detach ourselves from a desired future outcome. As a result we can focus our energy on our own actions and hers during the date. The saying, “focus on the process and not the product” comes to mind. Instead of becoming so obsessed with “succeeding” on our dates we fail to focus on the process of relationship building while it is happening right in front of us in the present moment.

By staying present you will recognize her smile, you will hear her laughter, and you will be able to listen and have fun conversations. You will actually be present holding her hand instead of being a million miles away in your mind. In short, you will be enjoying the date as it is and not fixated on any preconceived final outcome.

Simple daily meditation practice for as little as five to ten minutes a day can help you develop mindfulness and calm your mind. There are many resources to help you easily develop a meditation practice. There are mindfulness meditation classes, videos, books, and even smartphone applications that can help you get started. Enjoy the process of dating, stay present in the moment and have fun getting to know one another.

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Using simple Japanese phrases to build a closer connection

There are some simple words and phrases in Japanese that are very useful to know because they come up all the time and even though you may never become thoroughly fluent in Japanese they are a great way to build rapport with her.

The purpose of learning some of these words and phrases is not to become a conversational level Japanese speaker, it is to use them as a means to develop a closer connection with each other. These simple phrases are a great way to break the ice and will often lead to deeper conversations and humor. All of this is useful in getting to know one another better. So let’s get started!

If you are meeting in the morning you may say, “Ohayo gozaimasu” (Good morning). If it is in the afternoon, you will want to say, “Konnichi wa” (Hello) which is used after the morning hours but not in the evening. If you are meeting her in the evening the proper greeting will be, “Konbanwa” (Good evening).

    

My grandma used to tell me that politeness goes a long way and she was right. In Japan you will always hear “Arigato gozaimasu” (Thank you) or the shorter “Arigato” (Thanks). Knowing when to use which will depend on your familiarity with the person or the situation. “Dou Itashimashite” means “You’re welcome.” Another good polite word to know is “Dozo.” (Please/After you).

Let’s imagine a scenario only using these few words. You and her have decided to meet over dinner. It is a lovely evening. You meet her at the restaurant and with a smile on your face greet her with a friendly, “Konbanwa.”

As the receptionist escorts the two of you to your table, you being a gentleman allow her to enter before you with a polite, “Dozo.” What a great first impression you have just made with just those two simple expressions!

It is well known that Japanese enjoy good food and there are some expressions that come in handy during eating. Before a meal Japanese say, “Itadakimas” which is like a short grace before eating that expresses thanks for the meal you are about to eat. Often, but not always, you will see this expression said with a short bow of the head to the food with the hands in a prayer position.

During the meal, if your food tastes delicious, don’t hesitate to express yourself with a hearty exclamation of, “Oishi!” (Delicious!) and if you want to make a toast raise your glass and say “Kanpai!” (Cheers!). These are happy expressions of enjoyment and will bring a smile to both of you. When the meal is finished you can say “Gochiso sama.” which is a way of expressing gratefulness for the meal you just ate.

Obviously, the two of you will be making conversation during the meal in English most of the time but you can see how just interjecting these few words into the evening offer a simple way of connecting with one another.

Here are some other words and phrases that are useful to know:

“Sumisen.” (Excuse me.)

“Genki desu ka?” (How are you doing?)

“Genki des.” (I’m fine.)

“Honto?” (Really?)

“Onaka suita!” (I’m hungry!)

“Onaka ippai!” (I’m full!”)

“Sugoi!” (Wonderful! / How great!/ Awesome!)

“Gomen nasai” (I’m sorry.)

“Hai.” (Yes.)

“Iye.” (No.)

“Yokatta.” (I’m glad.)

“Oyasumi.” (Goodnight)

“Matane.” (See you later/Talk later).

“Kirei” or “Suteki” (You look beautiful/pretty.)

In a prior blog I discussed using Netflix to explore Japanese culture and how it's a useful tool if you are interested in learning some Japanese phrases. You will hear the proper pronunciation and see how the phrases are used in context, plus you can read the English translations in the subtitles. Hopefully, there will come that special day when you and her will look into each other’s eyes and tell one another, “Aishiteru.” (I love you). 

Want to marry a Japanese woman?
Talk with our professional matchmaker. 
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EM CLUB 2222 Kalakaua Ave Suite 700A Honolulu, HI 96815
Phone: (808) 926-0101
Email: info@emclub.jp

Japan’s Love Affair with Hawaii

Standing on a beach in Hawaii gazing upon a deep blue ocean while soft tropical breezes caress the skin and cause palm trees to dance gracefully to and fro, it is easy to understand why these beautiful islands are some of the most visited on the planet.    

The Hawaiian islands are loved by people the world over, but for Japanese they hold a special place in the heart.   Historically, during the Meiji era,  Japanese men began migrating to Hawaii to work on the sugar plantations.  Many remained in Hawaii and Japanese culture thrived alongside local Hawaiians, and other cultures such as Portuguese, Filipino, Chinese and Korean, to shape what has now become modern day Hawaii.    

It is estimated in 2016 that 1.5 million Japanese visited Hawaii.  People from many nations visit Hawaii for an escape from life’s daily pressures of work, overcrowded cities, and stress.     For Japanese it is no different, and the island surroundings coupled with the aloha spirit never disappoint in delivering much needed joy, rest and relaxation.     

The aloha spirit is part of ancient Hawaiian culture and is still very much alive in Hawaiian culture today, so much so that it is even codified into the State of Hawaii’s government laws which defines it as:  

"Aloha" is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation. "Aloha" means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return. "Aloha" is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence. . . ."

This feeling is apparent in Hawaii as soon as you step off the airplane.   This is also a familiar concept to Japanese who learn very early to collectively work together and assist one another and treat each other with respect.    In fact, the traditional Japanese concept of  “wa” or harmony is similar, and holds that harmony is something to always strive for at home with family and loved ones.

When looking more deeply into the aloha spirit it’s also the very thing that makes for successful relationships. What better definition for true love between a man and woman in a long lasting relationship than one built on “mutual regard and affection” and to “extend warmth and caring” to one another?

For those seeking their life partner, what better place than the spectacular romantic island surroundings of Hawaii, beachcombing together by day and walking together at night under star filled skies while moonlight reflects across softly crashing waves.   

 Hawaii truly can be a real home away from home for many Japanese.    Add to this the culture of the aloha spirit and it’s very easy to see why the Japanese love affair with Hawaii will always exist. 

Want to marry a Japanese woman?
Talk with our professional matchmaker. 

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EM CLUB 2222 Kalakaua Ave Suite 700A Honolulu, HI 96815
Phone: (808) 926-0101
Email: info@emclub.jp

International marriage helps build a strong relationship

          Marriage is one of the most important adult decisions we make in our lives. It is a decision with an immediate life altering impact. We change our status from “single” to “married”, and where there was only “one” there is now “two”. For some, this is a frightening concept, but for many, to be husband and wife, sharing and building a lifetime of memories together is a priceless gift of true aloha.

          That’s not to say marriage is wine and roses everyday. Even the happiest of marriages occasionally may encounter issues with communication, trust and dealing with each other’s differences.

          But an international couple has an advantage that many same culture couples don’t have when facing these same issues: they expect them, and because of the nature of an international relationship have already had some experience with these issues before they said, “I do.”

          Surprisingly, there are married couples from the same background and who speak the same language, who cannot communicate effectively with each other because of a lack of empathy and conscious listening. One advantage international couples have is that conscious communication efforts are made from the very beginning with awareness of communication obstacles. Having empathy for each other is also common in international couples because what is lacking in verbal communication is understood by understanding each others feelings. The relationship deepens from this conscious form of communication. That two people from two different countries may have communication difficulties isn’t unusual. But the fact that each of you found each other and fell in love is proof that the communication barrier can be overcome.

          Trust in a relationship is required. The process of an international marriage builds trust early on. First of all, the immigration process takes time. There will be periods of time where you will be apart from one another. Trust in one another begins there, and love grows as well during the absence of the other.

          The foreign fiance visa process requires things other couples would never need to do, such as having to prove an authentic relationship based on love rather than some other motive to the immigration officials. In my own experience, the process of gathering the information needed to prove our relationship made me reflect on the things my fiance and I had already experienced together and the trust we had developed. It takes a lot of trust to decide to marry someone from another country and come live with them in that country. Vice-versa for the person welcoming the person into their life in their home country. Trust is developed very early in an international marriage and makes that bond so much stronger during the marriage.

          In an international marriage the differences between the cultures when shared with each other can be rich and exciting experiences. I love trying my wife’s cooking and learning about Japanese culture and traditions. There is always something to talk about and never a dull moment. Conversely, she enjoys my jazz music collection, craft burgers, Dodgers baseball, Thanksgiving turkey and Christmas (while I enjoy the addition of KFC to our traditional Christmas dinner!).

          Respecting each other’s cultural differences is a wonderful opportunity for each of you to enrich your lives and appreciate how you each view the world. It takes compromise and understanding in any marriage when dealing with differences, whether international or otherwise, but the result is well worth it. The bond that is built together is unique to the two of you based on your sharing of each other’s cultures and appreciating and loving the other because of it.

Want to marry a Japanese woman?
Talk with our professional matchmaker.
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EM CLUB 2222 Kalakaua Ave Suite 700A Honolulu, HI 96815
Phone: (808) 926-0101
Email: info@emclub.jp

How exploring Japanese culture on Netflix will help you break the ice with her

          The internet did not exist for much of my early adult life.  Learning about Japanese culture required visiting the library to look up books via the card catalog index and watching Kurosawa films.  

Nowadays, Netflix brings Japan right into your living room with a wide variety of genres to choose from: food shows, traditional artisan crafts, modern dramas, historical dramas, romantic comedies, action, anime, documentaries, and yes, Kurosawa films.

Most of the shows have English subtitles and are a great way to learn some Japanese phrases.  If you don’t catch a phrase the first time, simply hit pause and replay it.  It’s incredibly convenient, and a lot more fun than thumbing through a card catalog index.

Watching current Japanese programs will expose you to modern Japanese phrases. This is a good thing.  Because while it may make a good impression to say a Japanese phrase when meeting your date, it’s less impressive if you use a phrase in ancient Japanese that you learned from a samurai film. 

However, if all you have learned are Edo era phrases, don’t let that stop you! Your date will most likely find it endearing, and either way it’s a great conversation starter! 

One thing you will notice immediately is there are a lot of shows about food.  Japan is a huge foodie culture. It is no surprise that Japan holds the record for the most Michelin stars awarded to any country.  Be forewarned that after watching these shows you will experience hunger pangs.  But on the up side, you will have learned enough to be able to ask your date where the two of you should go in Japan to try that certain dish you’ve been dying to try since seeing it on Netflix. 

 Some shows with a main food theme also cleverly address human relationships within the story.  Shows like Samurai Gourmet and Midnight Diner: Tokyo Stories do this very well.  You may want to watch some of these shows with your date.  The inevitable conversations that ensue after watching these shows are sure to be interesting and enlightening for both of you.

Where to start? Just dive into whatever interests you, there’s plenty to choose from. There are also many “best of Japanese Netflix” lists on line if you want to narrow it down further.  Happy watching!

Want to marry a Japanese woman?
Talk with our professional matchmaker. 
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EM CLUB 2222 Kalakaua Ave Suite 700A Honolulu, HI 96815
Phone: (808) 926-0101
Email: info@emclub.jp

Find love as spring time blossoms.

Find love as spring time blossoms.

When spring arrives in Japan it is a delight to the senses. The dullness of winter transforms into warm spring colors as boughs of cherry blossoms or sakura create magnificent pink canopies all over Japan.

The viewing of cherry blossoms in Japan is a centuries old tradition known as hanami. Literally the translation of hanami is hana “flower” and mi “to view” or simply put “to view flowers”, but there is much more to hanami than just viewing flowers.

In Spring, warmer weather and more sunshine create a happy atmosphere. To celebrate this season families, friends and coworkers like to get together and have potluck style picnics under the cherry blossoms. It is a common sight to see groups sitting on blankets spread under the trees eating, drinking and enjoying hanami.

Common foods at these parties are rice balls onigiri that are sometimes colored pink like the blossoms. Toasting with sake, singing, laughing, enjoying food and camaraderie under the cherry blossoms make these merry and sometimes boisterous occasions.

Blossoms in the spring have often been written about by poets to describe the restless promise of new romance in both the east and the west.

Early Japanese waka poet Ariwara no Narihira (825-880) wrote, “If there were no cherry blossoms in this world, how much more tranquil our hearts would be in spring.”

Much later, echoing the same restless sentiments, William Shakespeare (1564-1616) wrote, “O, how this spring of love resembleth the uncertain glory of an April day!”

The romantic atmosphere cherry blossoms bring to a spring evening is not lost on couples in Japan. Viewing sakura at night is called yozakura or “night sakura”. Many parks in Japan hang temporary paper lanterns for the purpose of night time yozakura. The decorative appearance and soft glow of the lanterns add to the romantic ambience. Couples walking together under the cherry blossoms at night hand in hand is a common sight during yozakura.

The cherry blossom season in Japan is short, lasting only a few weeks. Once the cherry blossoms reach their most colorful peak they begin to die and fall from the trees shortly thereafter. Sakura are a colorful reminder of the beauty and constant renewal of life, but also of its impermanence. In this way, hanami reminds us that life is beautiful but short and we should celebrate being alive!