Opposites attract but common interests can help create lasting love

         

         The saying “opposites attract” is well known and to some extent is often true. However there is a corollary that says similarities in terms of common interests not only attract but can lead to longer lasting and closer bonds in relationships over time.

         In 2016 a study conducted at Wellesley College and the University of Kansas found that couples who had known each other longer were not more similar than newly met pairs who had shared similar interests. The study basically upended the idea that “opposites attract” and instead suggested that we are drawn to people who are like minded. The study concluded that whether or not a relationship develops could depend on the level of similarity the two individuals share from the beginning of their meeting.

         This is important in the context of this blog because there may be many things that the two of you share in common or perhaps there is only one thing that the two of you share a common passion for which draws you together.

         There are many Americans with an interest in Japanese cinema or anime for instance. For some the passion may go as far as attending Comic Con events where Cos Players gather. There are many a couple who have found a deep bond through this common passion. If wearing a costume is not your thing, than there may be any number of interests that the two of you may share.

         When I met my wife we shared a common interest in jazz music. Although we came from very different worlds when it came to our interest in jazz we had a common love and interest in it that lead us to going out to see different artists and also in discussing various music topics.

         That’s not to say that only a common interest can build a lasting relationship. My wife and I are very different in many respects and very similar in others. The fact that there is something we both love to share and enjoy together only made the relationship building process that more enjoyable.

         Is it necessary to have a love for everything that the other person loves Absolutely, not. Differences can also strengthen a relationship because what one partner lacks the other person may bring to the table forming a more powerful team. However, even in the most diverse couples there is usually one thing the couple share a similar interest in together be it ever so small. That one thing, according to the researchers, could be the thing that draws them together to feel close to one another in first place.

         Japan has so many things that Americans find interesting and attractive. Be it food, history, warrior culture, zen traditions, Japanese lifestyle, anime, film, art, technology, cars, fashion--the list goes on and on.

        On the other hand there are many Japanese who have a fascination with Hawaiian culture. In Japan there are many stores and shops with aloha apparel and Hawaiian motifs. There are also many Japanese who seriously study hula and all the traditions that come along with it. There is definitely a passion for Hawaii in Japan.

        Are there interests you have that perhaps you would like to know if your Japanese lady friend may also be interested in? Then let her know what it is that drives you. If she is unfamiliar with it perhaps you will be the person to broaden her horizons and enrich her life in that way. It may also work the other way in that she shows you something she is passionate about that you find delightful. It is also very possible that the two of you may find that you already share a common interest which will draw you together quite easily.

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A deeper understanding of everyday Japanese greetings

          There are some common Japanese greetings used in every Japanese household. These greetings are some of the first phrases taught to Japanese children and adults will continue to say them for the rest of their lives. It is said that a language is a direct reflection of the culture from which it is derived. These household phrases definitely reflect Japanese culture and hold much deeper meanings than their literal English translations.

          One thing an American will experience quickly when in a relationship with a Japanese woman is that the expression of affection and love that is conveyed through subtle gestures and actions will also be conveyed in her using these common greetings in your home. There is a lot of love, affection and at heart of these expressions that are easy to miss if you are not aware of their true meaning.

Tadaima and Okaeri

          Upon returning home a person entering the house will say “Tadaima.” The occupants of the house will then respond “Okaeri.” When translated into English, “Tadaima” means “I’m home” and the response “Okaeri” means “Welcome back.”

          However, the deeper meaning of “Tadaima” and “Okaeri” is lost in the translation. What most non-Japanese do not understand about these greetings cannot be fully translated into English. The greetings “Tadaima” and “Okaeri” have a deep and soulful meaning to Japanese.

         “Tadaima” means more than just “Honey, I’m home!” It is really an announcement to your loved one that you have come home safely and are joyful to be reunited her once again. It does not matter if the absence was short or long, or if the distance was near or far. Saying “Tadaima” when entering the home is an expression of affection and gratitude that you made it home safely to her. The return response given by her is “Okaeri.” It does not just simply mean “Welcome back.” Its deeper meaning expresses thanks and happiness that you have returned to her safely.

          Many of these expressions are traditions that date back to Japan’s feudal samurai period when it was not certain if someone would return or not. The significance of reunion with loved ones is always given joyful recognition.

Ittekimasu and Itterashai

          When translated into English “Ittekimasu” means “I’m leaving,” and “Itterashai” means “Take care.” These greetings are exchanged when someone is leaving the house. Again, it does not matter if the person will be gone for a long or short time or if the distance will be far or near. When you are leaving you would declare, “Ittekimasu,” and the loved one seeing you off would reply, “Itterashai.” 
The deeper meaning of these greetings go far beyond the English translation. When saying “Ittekimasu,” its true meaning is, “I’m leaving but I promise to return to you safely, so do not worry.” It is a considerate expression of respect and affection. The expression given in reply, “Itterashai” is more than just “Take care.” The deeper meaning is, “Take care, I wish you a safe journey going there and a safe journey back to me.”

Itadakimas

         “Itadakimas” is another common saying and was also covered in a previous blog. This expression is said before eating a meal and is a way of expressing thanks for the meal one is about to eat, similar to the custom of saying grace in western cultures. It can be translated to mean either “Let’s eat” and/or “I am humble and grateful to receive this meal.”

          At a deeper level, “Itadakimas” conveys a great sense of gratitude for having food to eat. The gratitude extends beyond the mere food on one’s plate but also to everything and everyone that made it possible for that food to exist in the first place. From the sun that helped plants grow, to the rain that watered the plant, to the soil that nurtured it, to the farmers who tended it, to the grocers who provided it for sale, to your Japanese wife who actually cooked the meal so that it now appears on your plate.

          There were periods in Japan’s history when food was scarce and it was difficult to know when your next meal would be or even if you would be having a next meal at all. In remembrance of those times, “Itadakimas” is a way to express great gratitude and recognition for how fortunate we are to have the meal we are about to eat.

Daijobu

          “Daijobu” is included here because it is a simple one word saying that can have a number of meanings depending on how it is expressed. “Daijobu” in its literal translation to English means “O.K.” 
“Daijobu” said alone can mean, “Everything is ok.”

          But if asked in a compassionate, gentle, questioning manner, “Daijobu?” it conveys to your loved one that you are worried about her and concerned for her welfare. Her response to this can also be “Daijobu,” meaning “I am ok.” Often times, just asking her how she is doing when it seems like she is feeling down can mean alot to her and shows that you care. By simply asking her, “Daijobu?” you will provide her some comfort.

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Sharing your food cultures with one another

           Japanese love to eat good food and many Japanese women love to cook traditional home cooked meals that they grew up eating. There is so much more to Japanese food than is typically experienced by most Americans. Being married to a Japanese woman you will be able to try some real Japanese home cooking. You will not be disappointed!

          When my wife and I first got married my coworkers would ask me if my wife cooked Japanese food at home. I told them that she loves cooking and is a great cook. My coworkers would usually respond, “You are so lucky! I love sushi and teriyaki chicken!” The puzzled look on my face was only matched by the same look on theirs when I would respond, “Actually, my wife doesn’t cook either of those. She usually makes home cooked style Japanese meals.”

          This response was usually followed by them asking about what Japanese foods there were besides sushi, tempura and teriyaki chicken bowls. I would then happily explain some of the dishes my wife makes: curry rice, gobo, miso, miso saba, nikujaga and zaru soba to name just a few.

          To be fair, until I married my wife I was no more savvy about Japanese home cooking than my coworkers were. I remember coming home one day and seeing this strange looking long, beige colored, tapered, skinny root vegetable which was about three feet long. I had never seen anything like it. I asked her what it was and she told me it was “gobo”. She didn’t know the English name for it so I googled it and found out it was “burdock root”.

          She explained it was very nutritious and healthy and that it is a dish commonly given to school kids because it’s loaded with vitamins. I asked if I could help, and soon I was peeling and slicing carrots. It was fun to cook together and I loved the finished product which was flavored with sake and soy sauce, but not so much as to overpower the earthy flavor of the root vegetables. My first taste of gobo. It’s still one of my favorites.

          Japanese women love to cook their native dishes, particularly those that are made during a certain time of year. For example, there are certain special foods eaten during New year’s eve like warm soba noodles. For a Japanese, cooking is very meaningful and each dish usually has a special significance or memory attached to it, so it is a very happy thing to cook the foods they grew up with.

         As an American, one thing I had to get used to was that there are very subtle flavorings in Japanese cuisine. Usually, sake or mirin, soy sauce, and miso add the flavor to most dishes. Sometimes dried seafoods serve as both a main ingredient and flavoring, as well as mushrooms, ginger and dried seaweed. The delicate flavors that are added by these very natural ingredients make for a very delicious, clean tasting and healthy cuisine.

         Your Japanese wife will also love trying your favorite American dishes as well. I remember when we had our first Thanksgiving, my wife was fascinated by the traditional Thanksgiving dinner of roasted turkey with all the trimmings: sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, green beans, and cranberry sauce. It’s now one of the dinners she loves to help me cook every holiday season. Japanese are very food adventurous and love to eat. When we were visiting some of my family in North Carolina my wife fell in love with shrimp and grits, biscuits and gravy, collard greens and southern barbecue.

         It’s not necessary for you to know how to cook, but for a Japanese wife it is a big plus if you enjoy eating, trying new foods, and appreciating your wife’s Japanese cooking. In Japan, to cook food for your husband is a very important way that a Japanese woman shows her love and appreciation for her husband and family.

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How to help your Japanese girlfriend improve her English

         

In the film Love Actually there is a character played by actor Colin Firth who falls in love with his Portuguese housekeeper. He does not speak a word of Portuguese and she does not speak a word of English. Despite their inability to communicate they become attracted to each other. By the film’s end Firth’s character learns enough Portuguese to express his love for her and proposes marriage, and she happily accepts in broken English.

Some American men have concerns about dating a Japanese woman because they wonder whether or not she can speak English well enough for them to communicate. Fortunately, the majority of Japanese women on EM Club can speak, write and read in English. Aside from mandatory English language studies required by Japanese grade schools, many continued to study English at university, and many have traveled or lived abroad in English speaking countries. Although their English may not be perfect, you can rest assured your situation will not be as severe as the movie characters described above where they essentially started at ground zero.

When I married my Japanese wife I did not know any Japanese words or phrases. Fortunately, my wife studied English in Japan and also had lived and worked abroad. She could speak English, but she still wanted to improve her English skills and continues to do so daily. Much of what I have written here is based on our own experiences with this. There are some very easy things you can to do to build up her English language skills and her confidence.

Be supportive of her when she stumbles conversationally. Listen carefully to what she is saying and don’t be overly critical or harsh if she makes a mistake or says something you don’t understand. Simply tell her, “I’m sorry, I did not understand what you said. Can you say it again please?” She may get conscious or nervous but she will be happy to try again. Be patient with her and correct her English if she says it incorrectly. You may have to do this several times but be supportive and patient. She will be trying her best to learn as well because it will mean a lot to her to speak English better and she actually will value the opportunities to improve.

Speak more English together than Japanese. Some American men may already speak Japanese or know several Japanese words and phrases. This is great, but if you want to help her improve her English she will improve best by speaking more with you in English than in Japanese. Encourage her to keep trying and to keep speaking in English. Of course, that doesn’t mean not to use any of the Japanese phrases you’ve learned, please do! But if the goal is to improve her English skills the best way to do that is to speak in English regularly and often. Even if you are a fluent Japanese speaker, you should encourage her to speak in English if she wants to improve.

Don’t be shy about correcting her English. If the goal is to improve her English then you will need to correct her. Sometimes it’s hard to do this because we feel like it’s not nice, or we don’t want to hurt her feelings or maybe we get tired of doing it after a while. But keep at it because she will appreciate that you showed her the right way to say it. It’s not enough for you to be the only one who understands her if she says it incorrectly. Just because you understand her does not mean other people will understand what she is saying if it’s said wrong.

In previous blogs, I wrote about using Japanese movies and shows to help learn or improve your Japanese. The same can be done in reverse to help improve her English. Watching shows together can be fun and there will be more conversations to follow after watching something particularly interesting.

By living in Hawaii with you she will be using English daily and hearing it everyday wherever she goes. This immersion will help her improve quickly, but her biggest asset to improve her English will be you. By being supportive, listening, and correcting her English in a positive, encouraging way she will steadily improve. So enjoy your conversations together and keep on talking!

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Should you ask her Japanese parents first?

          In the 21st century the idea of asking your bride to be’s parents permission to marry their daughter seems like an antiquated social more from another era. However, in Japan it still holds as proper etiquette in some, but not all, households.

          Japan is a remarkable society in which the old and the new coexist as one. Spend one hour in Tokyo and you will immediately believe you have been transported into a futureworld. But at the same time you will see centuries old traditions still being honored. For a very minor example, chopsticks. Why not forks and knives by now? Why? Because some things are inherently Japanese and will always remain that way.

           Traditionally, it was proper etiquette for a man interested in marrying a woman that he asks her parents for their blessing prior to marriage. This was a common tradition in not only the east, but also the west. In the west, this tradition has been set aside in many respects, however there are still some families who adhere to this tradition. In the same way there are still some families in Japan who adhere to it as well.

            At the core of this tradition is respect. There is a common saying that when you marry a person you also marry that person’s family. Along those lines, when marrying a woman it is a sign of respect to ask her parents for their permission for two reasons, first to show proper respect to them as your prospective-in-laws, and secondly that you are asking to not only marry their daughter but also you are asking to be accepted as a part of their family.

           How will you know if this is something you will need to do? It is best to discuss this topic with your Japanese bride to be if this is something her family will expect of you. If it is something her parents will expect of you, then you should prepare for it.

           If you have already had the opportunity to meet her parents and have established a relationship with them it will be much easier to ask them for their daughter’s hand in marriage, rather than asking on the first time you meet them. However, this is not always possible. It may be that you will meet her parents for the first time after already having developed a serious relationship with their daughter and you will need to ask them at that initial meeting. Take a deep breath, don’t panic! This is perfectly doable.

           The best source of information to help you prepare beforehand will be your fiance. What does she think would be the best way to approach the topic? Which parent does she feel you should direct your request to? Should you focus more on her father? Her mother? Both equally? She would know best how to advise you on this. Traditionally, the patriarch was the decision maker, but in today’s modern society this is not always the case.

           Bring a Hawaiian gift for her Japanese parents. This simple gesture will make her parents happy and show thoughtfulness on your part. Depending on your fiance’s advice, perhaps it would be best to have dinner with your future in laws and during the dinner ask the question. Probably it would be best to have dinner at a restaurant that would encourage conversation and with a quiet ambiance, rather than a lively izakaya.

           As for how to phrase your question it is best to keep it sincere, simple, but elegant. You should rehearse this with your bride to be prior to asking her parents to make sure it is in a style her parents would appreciate. As for sincerity, that is easily achieved if the words you speak are honest from your heartfelt feelings for their daughter and are said out of respect for her and her mother and father.

           In the end, the love that the two of you have for one another will be the most convincing factor for her parents to grant you their blessing. It is universal that parents generally want the best for their children and for them to be happy. Your asking them for her hand in marriage is only one step. The true test will be the two of you loving together, growing old together, building a family together. You are simply asking her parents that this is what you want for their daughter because you are the best person for her and she is the best person for you to accomplish a happy life together.

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Dating a Japanese woman

In the documentary Mifune about the life of actor Toshiro Mifune, there is an interview with actress Kaoru Yachigusa who played the love interest opposite Mifune’s character in Kurosawa’s Samurai Trilogy. When describing the great love between the characters she says of Japanese romantic style: “Love takes a different shape for Japanese. I think it is more reserved, we don’t show it outwardly so much.”

Her statement speaks volumes toward understanding the difference in romantic displays of affection between Japanese women and American men. Whereas in many cultures “PDA’s” (public displays of affection) are commonplace they are still not as common in Japan. Japanese culture still tends to be reserved in comparison to Western culture in this regard. This can be seen in daily interactions where it is still more common to bow when meeting one another than to make physical contact by shaking hands or a hug.

However, it should be recognized that today’s modern Japanese woman is very familiar with Western style romance through exposure to Hollywood cinema, television shows and music. Many Japanese women today are accustomed and comfortable with physical contact during dating, but there are also those who prefer to take things more slowly.

Many American men are often puzzled when they encounter the latter and may find that their early physical displays of affection may sometimes be met with surprised embarrassment from their Japanese romantic interest. This does not necessarily mean they are not interested in you, it just may mean they are not used to it.

In Japan, women are raised to carry themselves with modesty and restraint. However, let me make clear that each Japanese woman is an individual and it’s not my intention to reinforce the stereotypical submissive, docile, obedient Asian woman caricature. The fact is, today’s modern Japanese woman is sophisticated, intelligent, assertive, and confident. It is because of this confidence that a Japanese woman is more in control of when and how she chooses to show her affection to the special man she falls in love with.

With that being said, the approach of a Japanese woman in showing and accepting physical attention is very much a part of the trust and relationship building process. The phrase “taking things slow” is appropriate. However, as a non-Japanese male, it is best if you be yourself, after all she is interested in you and your culture otherwise she would not be dating you. If you feel that you want to be closer to her physically you should not become something that you are not.

Always treat her with respect, and express your romantic feelings at the right time. Don’t be afraid to initiate holding her hand or putting your arm around her or giving her a hug. Go with the flow, but be mindful of your surroundings and circumstances. If you feel that you may be in a place that would make her uncomfortable with these displays of affection than maybe refrain, but use your own best judgment.

How do you know if it’s the right time? That will be for you to tell. But most likely you will know because you have spent time with her and through your time spent together and your conversations you will be able to get a feel for how you feel about her and how she feels about you. If all else fails, simply ask!

As Kaoru Yachigusa said in the quote above, although love may not be shown “outwardly” as much by Japanese, the love that is felt inwardly is strong, long lasting and authentic because of the time spent on building that bond based on connection and relationship rather than mere physicality. But once the relationship is established you can be certain your love will be blissful in all aspects both emotionally and physically.

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