In the 21st century the idea of asking your bride to be’s parents permission to marry their daughter seems like an antiquated social more from another era. However, in Japan it still holds as proper etiquette in some, but not all, households.
Japan is a remarkable society in which the old and the new coexist as one. Spend one hour in Tokyo and you will immediately believe you have been transported into a futureworld. But at the same time you will see centuries old traditions still being honored. For a very minor example, chopsticks. Why not forks and knives by now? Why? Because some things are inherently Japanese and will always remain that way.
Traditionally, it was proper etiquette for a man interested in marrying a woman that he asks her parents for their blessing prior to marriage. This was a common tradition in not only the east, but also the west. In the west, this tradition has been set aside in many respects, however there are still some families who adhere to this tradition. In the same way there are still some families in Japan who adhere to it as well.
At the core of this tradition is respect. There is a common saying that when you marry a person you also marry that person’s family. Along those lines, when marrying a woman it is a sign of respect to ask her parents for their permission for two reasons, first to show proper respect to them as your prospective-in-laws, and secondly that you are asking to not only marry their daughter but also you are asking to be accepted as a part of their family.
How will you know if this is something you will need to do? It is best to discuss this topic with your Japanese bride to be if this is something her family will expect of you. If it is something her parents will expect of you, then you should prepare for it.
If you have already had the opportunity to meet her parents and have established a relationship with them it will be much easier to ask them for their daughter’s hand in marriage, rather than asking on the first time you meet them. However, this is not always possible. It may be that you will meet her parents for the first time after already having developed a serious relationship with their daughter and you will need to ask them at that initial meeting. Take a deep breath, don’t panic! This is perfectly doable.
The best source of information to help you prepare beforehand will be your fiance. What does she think would be the best way to approach the topic? Which parent does she feel you should direct your request to? Should you focus more on her father? Her mother? Both equally? She would know best how to advise you on this. Traditionally, the patriarch was the decision maker, but in today’s modern society this is not always the case.
Bring a Hawaiian gift for her Japanese parents. This simple gesture will make her parents happy and show thoughtfulness on your part. Depending on your fiance’s advice, perhaps it would be best to have dinner with your future in laws and during the dinner ask the question. Probably it would be best to have dinner at a restaurant that would encourage conversation and with a quiet ambiance, rather than a lively izakaya.
As for how to phrase your question it is best to keep it sincere, simple, but elegant. You should rehearse this with your bride to be prior to asking her parents to make sure it is in a style her parents would appreciate. As for sincerity, that is easily achieved if the words you speak are honest from your heartfelt feelings for their daughter and are said out of respect for her and her mother and father.
In the end, the love that the two of you have for one another will be the most convincing factor for her parents to grant you their blessing. It is universal that parents generally want the best for their children and for them to be happy. Your asking them for her hand in marriage is only one step. The true test will be the two of you loving together, growing old together, building a family together. You are simply asking her parents that this is what you want for their daughter because you are the best person for her and she is the best person for you to accomplish a happy life together.
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